We'd like to start off this blog with a powerful story of our Journey.
This is Helen's story:
When I was 21 I gave birth to a healthy, very happy baby boy.
He was awesome! I was young. I raised him as a single mother for almost 10
years. I did my best, but I certainly didn't give him as much understanding as I
could have. I loved the little guy beyond anyone I've loved before, but I wasn't
able to enjoy all the little things about him growing. I didn't understand that
I needed to enjoy those things. Sometimes he just got in my way and made things
difficult for me. My mom and my friend's mom babysat, a lot, so I could enjoy
"adult time" My friends were always at our house and I never quite was able to
give him undivided attention as a mother should from time to time. We did have a
lot of fun, though! But someone was always with us when we were having fun. He
loved the times when I didn't go out and I stayed home with him. We rented
movies and ate pizza and chips and dip and soda and ice cream. This is something
we still enjoy together once in a while and yes, not long ago my 17 year old son
laid in my room watching Mary Poppins with me on a Sunday afternoon, at his
request! lol I wasn't feeling well and it was a sweet moment with him. Anyway,
fast forward through his little life to 9 when mommy met someone she loved and
decided to get married. My husband and I married in April 2005 (right year
husband? lol) and in October he adopted my son to be his own. October 6th to be
exact. It's now called "Phelps Family Day" and we always celebrate that day in
some way. This year it was just a nice dinner with our now 18 year old with an
attitude, and his grandparents of 7 years, but we still celebrated, because it
was important to us.
Now is the next chapter of the
story-our quest for another child. When we got married we started trying to have
a baby right away. Neither of us was very young anymore! (remember when 30 used
to be old? ha!) We had failed attempt after failed attempt, precancerous cells
to deal with and medicine to regulate and all that fun stuff. It's really not
fun. It puts a lot of pressure on a relationship when dealing with infertility.
It was as much my body's issues as it is possibly my husband's (he's never been
officially checked, because if my body isn't working right there is no need to
test him, yet) So, needless to say, our relationships have suffered some. Not
just my husband's and mine, but with our son and families and with our friends.
I became very bitter and jealous about every pregnancy around me. It's kind of
hard to throw yourself into a friend's baby shower when you wish so bad that it
was you. There were many tears shed and lots of make up used before these
showers. Of course it's hard to look happy when you're dying inside! For the
last several years I've been very sad and felt not worthy since it wasn't
happening for us. I've even been regretting the way I raised my son, missing all
the times when he was little and I could have been a better mom. Times I wish I
could go back and enjoy him. Earlier this year someone called us telling us
there was a baby in need and wanted to know if we'd be interested. We were
floored that someone would think of us in this situation. Once the shock wore
off and prayers were said and talking done with mentors, we decided that, "yes,
we WOULD be interested in caring for this little one and becoming her parents."
After about 2 weeks of talking to the "go-between" and waiting and planning and
getting the "run around" I finally said, "look, if this isn't going to happen, I
need to know, my heart is too involved" and they finally came clean and said
that the person with the little one only wanted money and not really to give the
child. I was devastated. That is when I really became bitter. I was so hurt. I
thought God had REALLY let me down this time and that He must think I was so
unworthy of a child that He would allow people who abuse children to have them,
but not me. I must have really screwed up with raising my son that He wouldn't
trust me with another one. Or that He was punishing me for my previous
lifestyle. Let's fast forward to just last month. A friend of my husband's has a
rough life. She is an alcoholic and disabled and tends to become involved with
real winners of guys. She's the mother of 3 lovely children, whom she doesn't
even have living with her because she can barely take care of herself, let alone
3 kids, too! There is more to her situation that I will not go into, but if
you're a prayer warrior, please remember this lady in your prayers. She can use
them! Anyway, she became pregnant. She didn't know what she was going to do, so
she asked my husband if he and I would consider adopting her baby (which was
really babies!) because her boyfriend wanted her to get an abortion and she
didn't want to. So, after much prayer and discussion, we decided that it would
be best for the babies if we would take care of them after they were born. We
had apprehension about this, we knew there would likely be issues with the
little ones but wanted something for her children that she could not give them -
a loving, stable home. Well, needless to say, her boyfriend got to her and those
little babies are with the best Father they could ever ask for and they are in
Jesus' loving arms. Heartbreak for us - again! I began asking questions about
why we couldn't do this, what was so wrong with us and why God didn't want us to
have children! Once I "got over" that issue, for that day anyway, we began to
talk about what our life was really going to look like. We still want a baby,
but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. In my mind, we needed to make
a decision - Are we going to keep waiting and hoping for it to happen or are we
finally going to move on with our lives and live as if we're done with our child
rearing years? My husband, who has been a rock for us during these times, says
we need to pray about it. My question...how long do we pray about it? When do we
make a decision to live our lives? I won't go into the rest of the discussion we
had, but we were still in a quandary about the situation but knew we had to make
a decision and I was quite frustrated, even angry about it all. We were planning
on visiting with the Pastor soon to try to get some answers. In Sunday School
the following morning, we were discussing Nehemiah and his decision to rebuild
Jerusalem. One thing they were asking is "how long do we pray" the answer came
to them just as simply as it came to us that day "pray until you have peace"
Wow. We almost lost it right then, but the Pastor kept teaching as Chris and I
were struggling to keep our emotions under control. I don't remember the rest of
the lesson, but other questions I had asked the day before were answered, just
as simply as the one about praying. I left church after SS and my husband and
son stayed. I cried all the way home and talked to God. IT WAS AN AMAZING TIME!
After lunch, Chris and I talked and prayed A LOT. We came to a decision and we
had the most peace we've ever had! We know the desire of our heart is to have a
baby and we're not going to keep our lives on hold waiting for it to happen.
We're going to "pray for rain and build our ark" lol I don't think and I can
convey the perfect peace I have about our decision. My friend, Jennifer, says
"you can see it" on my face when I talk about it. I truly believe that God is
going to give us our baby and I believe this is going to happen through a
private adoption. I also believe that if His plan is something else for me, I am
at peace with that, too. I am at peace because I'm ready for HIS will to be done
in my life and not mine. I also have faith that He will give me the desires of
my heart because I'm His. I have a "peace that passes understanding" I can feel
it from my head to my toes and I can feel it as well as see it in my eyes and my
smile. There's no longer a sad little smile, it's filled with joy and
overcoming. Now, there are still going to be trials, of this I am sure and there
already have been, but I have faith like I've never had before and a God that
loves me more than I'll ever know. I am worthy to be a mother and my dreams and
desires are important. THIS, my friends, is what peace looks like to me,
finally. With or without another child, I have the peace that passes
understanding down in my heart.
Oh, BTW, we are "building our ark" by redoing one of our
offices to make a guest room that will be easily converted into a nursery with a
simple change of a bed (we're putting a twin size bed in there so my mom can
enjoy the room until it's needed for the nursery). We're also planning and
preparing a list of things we know we'll need and we're planning the purchase of
those things. We've started a savings plan and will be doing some fundraisers to
raise money for the adoption fees.
I believe if you truly have faith, you
must take action as though it IS going to happen.
Please join us in prayer
for our baby.
I will post updates as we have them.
May God bless you today and may you find peace that passes all
understanding in your life.
~H
Please, if you know of someone that this story can help, share it with them. That is why it was written, so that it might help someone else along their journey.
Blessings.
~Chris & Helen
